Mannerly
While I was at the Adoration Chapel recently, an older Italian gentleman came in to pray. After taking some time before the Blessed Sacrament, he approached my chair. Standing at a respectful distance, he said something along the lines of, "It is very warm today. May I turn the fan on for you?"
No thank you, I said.
"Please do let me know you would like me to turn it on later, or perhaps open the doors for you."
I was struck by his dignified demeanour. He was carefully, though not formally dressed. He didn't crouch by my chair or put his hand familiarly on my shoulder. He didn't press his case, and he deferred to my preference. I was comfortable in his presence and felt cared for - by this complete stranger.
This episode came to mind again a few days ago when watching a movie set in the early 1960s. The opening montage showed students of a London school for girls going through their paces: walking with a book balanced on their head, taking dance lessons, learning table etiquette and so on.
How I miss old fashioned manners! Why have they gone out of style? What have we adopted in their place? Society always follows a code, written or not. Perhaps our code is anything goes; let it all hang out; the most important thing is to have fun.
Just what are manners? According to Bill Kelly, "Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them." Emily Post wrote, "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use."
Manners are Christian principals played out in daily life. They are a system of behaviour that focuses on consideration for others. Jesus gave us a guideline for good manners when He taught: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (Luke 6:31)
To be well-mannered is to treat people with respect, to honour their (and your own) dignity. It is being able to handle awkward situations with grace. I think dignity and grace are two qualities that are no longer valued - at least in the version of life we see on tv. Watch most celebrity interviews, most prime time dramas, or read most newspaper articles and you will be inundated with accounts of people flaunting boorish behaviour.
While looking for clips showing etiquette lessons of the 50s, I came across an article about Iman, explaining that she feel in love with David Bowie's impeccable manners. That made me think of a quote from The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood: "How do you learn to love someone?" "Love? Baby girl, just start with good manners." (Or words to that effect.)
We are in a time that honours telling it like it is. Being real. There is something to be said for honesty, but I would tend to agree with Abel Stevens, who said, "Politeness is the art of choosing among one's real thoughts."
Besides the benefit of being able to host a dinner party for your husband's boss, or knowing the right gloves to wear with an evening gown, there is the confidence that comes from knowing what is expected of you, and knowing you are able to meet that expectation. There is the harmony that comes from everyone playing by the same rule book.
I would like to introduce my nephews to that lovely Italian, so they could learn from him what it means to be a gentleman. Never mind half of the curriculum taught in schools these days, I say we bring back etiquette classes!
Great post & idea! I find many times that gentlemen hold the door open for me & always smile & say thankyou. One gentleman doffs his hat as I walk past! My husband has lovely manners & I hope my sons will follow his example. Acting like ladies is perhaps an art? With 8 daughters I hope I have a few tips!
ReplyDeleteI believe down south, some school-aged children take etiquette classes (called cotillion? catillion? not sure). But I agree...what a great idea!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this too. Those old world people are wondereful. I love good manners too. Society has gone to pot. I do have to admit my wife doesn't think I have them (LOL) but I think she exaggerates or she sees me too often.
ReplyDeleteMy experience is that good manners are still widespread. Though I'm in good health I'm officially a senior citizen and have had women offer me seats in a bus in Dublin and in the subway in Toronto. (In both instances I was wearing clerical dress). The Dublin offer, which I graciously declined, led to the woman, who was technically homeless, asking me to remember her then recently deceased husband in my Mass the following Sunday and her asking me what really happens after we die.
ReplyDeleteI find that people usually appreciate such things as holding a door open. I do this not only for women but for men, eg, when someone is carrying bags while leaving the supermarket. However, I remember an Australian friend who, like many Australian men I know, is a thorough gentleman, telling me that he was berated by a woman once simply because he held a door open for her.
I find here in the Philippines that women, young and old, appreciate old-fashioned courtesies such as holding the car door open and don't find this condescending. I learned such behaviour from my father, who spent all his working life on building sites where he was a highly respected foreman. He was respected because he was respectful to everyone he met.
Your experience in an adoration chapel reminded me of an incident in such a chapel here in the Philippines. There was an inner and outer part, separated by a sound-proof glass partition. There was a very clear notice in the local language and in English that the inner part was strictly for silent prayer, while people could pray vocally if they wished in the outer section. I went into the inner part and after a while a group of women came in and started praying the rosary. I pointed out the notice to them and, to their credit, they moved to the outer section. But their ignoring of the notice indicated a certain lack of good manners.
Apologies for the length but this is an extract from a homily given by Archbishop Dolan:
ReplyDelete"Monsignor John Tracy Ellis, whose Magnum Opus is his magisterial life of Cardinal James Gibbons, archbishop of this premier see of Baltimore from 1877 to 1921, was fond of telling a story about a very prominent citizen of this city whom he interviewed while doing research for the biography. This man recounted how, as a young boy, his parents would take him for a walk in the city every Sunday afternoon. Sure enough, every Sunday they would pass a small but distinguished looking cleric, also on a stroll, who would unfailingly tip his hat to the boy’s mother, smile to the family, and greet them with a sincere “good afternoon.” Every Sunday, the man recalled, he would be eager to return the greeting to this gracious gentleman whose identity he never learned and even stop and chat with him, but his parents, who never returned the kind man’s smile or greeting, would pull him quickly along. Seems they were rather stuffy bluebloods who would then explain to their son that this stranger was a Catholic priest with whom they did not associate. Well, so engaging was this priest’s smile, so heartfelt his greeting and impeccable his courtesy, Sunday after Sunday, even when weekly rebuffed by the parents, that, so the man related to Monsignor Ellis, he became more and more curious about Catholics, to such an extent that, at twenty-three, to the horror of his parents, he became one, and wondered what might ever have happened to the gentle, friendly priest of years ago. How moved he was, he told the biographer, when, at the Cathedral of the Assumption to be confirmed, who does he see process up the main aisle but the gracious gentleman who had been so unfailingly kind to him on those Sunday strolls, only now in regal vestments, blessing the crowd who whispered in awe to one another, “It’s Cardinal Gibbons!”
The little things matter.
LF
Jackie, I agree - being ladylike is an art. It saddens me to see young women behaving like men, and it almost seems worse when women are crude or rude, doesn't it? Not that I *expect* it of men, but it's a jolt when it comes from a female.
ReplyDeleteSarah, let's bring the Cotillions north!
Manny, I'm sure you are a man of good manners. Perhaps a few courtly flourishes will remind your wife of it.
Fr. Sean, it's true - good manners are not entirely extinct, and people do appreciate good behaviour. There doesn't seem to be a universal standard anymore though, and in general we don't emphasize the importance of etiquette.
LF - what a wonderful story! An excellent illustration that Jesus knew what He was doing when He gave the golden rule.