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Letting Go of Control Meant Mismatched Socks

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For me, it was easy to look like a saint on the outside as I mothered nine little people. The trouble was, although I looked like I lived a life of self-denial, losing myself to give life to others, I tended to over control. I depended on my strength to get through the overwhelming chores which were part of running a household of eleven. I slowly learned how to let some things go and centre on the essentials, on loving and not maintaining a perfectly clean house with all the laundry folded in dresser drawers. I learned to let go of control in my daily life which spilled over into my inner life. Surrendering to the power of the Holy Spirit within our spirits can seem like a rather esoteric activity, something to talk about, write about, and perhaps pray about but not part of our daily lives but our inner and outer lives are intricately entwined.continue

Surrendering Control To God

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The  pivotal point in my personal and spiritual growth was realizing that, in fear, I  clung to control. I have let go of this control at least a thousand times already. A thousand times of choosing to surrender fear and lies and trusting. Each time I peel back a layer, another deeper level of fear pops up. Surrender is not a popular word in our modern culture. In fact surrendering my outer life seems like such a big deal that I resist. I cling to control almost like an idiot who thinks that she is clinging to a cliff with her finger nails, afraid to let go lest she fall to her death.

Of course this is an irrational fear, rooted in my subconscious. Actually there is no cliff with a rock bottom. When I finally let go, it is a short drop into the loving arms of God. My fear of letting go is especially ridiculous in the light of God’s unconditional love, mercy and patience which He has proved to me many times, thousands of times.


Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ. It i…

The Mustard Seed of Prayer

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‘Whoever
flees from prayer
flees all
that is good.’ St. John of the Cross Prayer. We often think of prayer as something difficult, especially contemplative prayer. If we read the classics, written by the saints, it seems to take years of arduous training to pass through gradually ascending levels to reach the pinnacle of prayer, complete union with Christ where we can say with St. Paul,“No longer I that lives but Christ that lives in me.” Yet after living with children for 34 years, I have good news, tidings of great joy for you. If I allow myself to relax and surrender control,  like a child trusting in her heavenly Daddy, I discover that it is God who heals, purifies and transforms me into His presence on earth. This process is all about Him, NOT me. My efforts, discipline, asceticism will not earn me union with God. This is not a competitive race to see who will succeed. This is a difficult concept to grasp for the modern Western mindset. I experienced  an eureka moment this week.After an…

An Arrow of Light Pierced Through the Lie

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An image which described my struggle to surrender control to God, was a wagon wheel suspended over a deep chasm. My large family of 10 stood on the rim of a wagon wheel,while I crouched on the hub,frantically turning this way and that,grabbing all the broken spokes,desperate to hold the crumbling structured together.
I realized that I had to let go of this futile sense of responsibility and control but I was afraid to stop,afraid that one moment of inattention would cause my entire family to tumble down into the abyss. I was trapped. Yet, I realized that my tension prevented natural, organic growth and healing.My control acted like a wall, shutting out all divine intervention and grace.My sincere concern and earnest self-sacrifice actually magnified everyone’s brokenness by freezing everyone and everything. Suddenly an arrow of light pierced through my confusion.It was as if a sharp pin burst a huge, black balloon of deception.Suddenly the image was gone,like a mountain done in by a m…