Shattered and Renewed

 I was just thinking that I had not shared about my pain, struggle or suffering, only about the joy of mothering, the joy of living as a daughter of God. I friend also pointed out to me the other day that I never really talk about the long, dark periods in my life. I guess it is because joy always triumphs in the end in my life, I tend to forget about the painful years. The love of little people, strong tea, laughter and the Presence of God in the midst of chaos seems to crack anxiety and stress but yes, I have been shattered by the demands of mothering .

Yet God always manages to use those moments when I am shattered to crack my heart and soul open to more of His presence and healing. It is like childbirth, the pain is forgotten when I hold my newborn but on the other hand if there is no pain, there is no baby or new growth in the Spirit.

 For me God speaks through books as well as my spiritual director and the written word has often  changed my life, flipped an inner switched by bringing insight and clarity. I realize that each difficult stage in mothering is normal, not a big deal because all mothers go through similar experiences. So I am not going through a big crisis. I can see each difficult stage is a call from God to change and grow by going deeper, accessing strength of the Holy Spirit within my own heart.

 I once asked a priest what my life would have been like it I had not suffered. He put on a phony, pious face, with his hands together in prayer and said in a high, sweet voice, 'Oh, you would be a nice Christian lady, praising the Lord.' Meaning, I would be shallow, without depth and strength. In that case, I say bring on the suffering because I want to live in CHRIST, COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED. I DO NOT WANT TO SIMPLY PLAY CHRISTIAN GAMES.