Carry Your Cross - Surrender, But Never Quit, Never Give Up

I don't know why divorce happens sometimes, why every year people who certainly aren't perfect, but who certainly have done nothing to deserve divorce or the kind of treatment a cruel, self-centered ex spouse delivers are forced to endure such trauma. Even less, do our innocent children deserve this kind of division, this kind of treatment, this kind of loss.

This is not fair. 

I do not deserve this.

My children do not deserve this.

And yet here we are. Like most divorced women and children, we have seen a substantial change in our post-divorce lives. Even with state garnished child support, we live on less than half the income we had just a few years ago, with more expenses than we had just a few years ago, and less time than we had just a few years ago.

Like most men, the abandoner's income has increased substantially. His expenses have also increased because of his purchase of a vacation/rental homes and other items hidden from the courts under the other woman's name. His increased leisure time is obvious in monthly trips to exotic places such as Barcelona, the Bahamas, Chicago, Cape Cod, Las Vegas...

And after a while, the money, the expenses, the trips mean virtually nothing to most women.

There are losses far greater than money can define.

Like many custodial parents, I found myself dragged into court again, forced to fight for the well-being of my children in a court system hardened by cases worse than ours, defended by shortsighted lawyers looking out only for themselves, facing a man who can be extremely cruel or quite charming depending on the front he wants you to see, and trying to determine what is best for children who are confused, sometimes scared, and who, understandably, give mixed messages because they have been caught in the middle, traumatized by divorce they certainly didn't want.

And there are so many times that I just want to escape, to run away, to leave. There are some days I envy my ex his freedom. He takes the children when they are convenient while I will always be available for them, even when they are decidedly not convenient because I Love them unconditionally.

But that availability, that unconditional Love, takes its toll, and in my occasional bouts of self-pity I cry out to God, sometimes cursing the world I live in, the man I used to love, and yes, I occasionally even curse innocent bystanders and question God about the extreme injustice of it all.

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God Bless...